Big Hug
*soft kiss on the side of the neck*

Don't you feel so lucky getting TWO messages from me first thing in the morning? It's not that I have anything special to say. I just want to get you feeling better, and there's no better time than first thing in the morning.
I wish there was a way I could be there with you, physically, to hold you close and share my energy with you. But you know that all you have to do is create the image, and I'm there with you, bringing a feeling of contentment and warmth that will always create a change for the better. I hope you take advantage of it. If you haven't done it yet, you may want to do the inner smile and use me as your source of smiling energy. Almost every time I do the inner smile, it's your smiling face that I visualize in from of me.

According to the time on your email, you sent it around 7:00. If that's true, at least you got home early. I know you have so much to do and little time to do it in. Use me! Let me know what I can do to make your job easier. The lease you can do is ask. Don't think that you will be adding more burden on me. If I can't do what you need, I'll tell you. You know that, but you often don't act. You do so much for me. Don't deprive me of the opportunity to do things for you also.

Smile for me... right now! Come on... you can do better than that! Am I going to have to come over there and find one of those really touchy spots on your wonderful body? That's better.

I'll be thinking about you often today so the connection will remain open and strong. You take care of yourself. Set aside some time for yourself; not just on the weekends.

I have to tell you that it really warmed my heart to hear you say you love me very much. Thank you for being so open with me. It really means a lot to me.
I better let you go... you know how I am... not wanting to let you go!

My Love,
Ton Ange
BIG HUG
*Soft kiss on the side of the neck* (*SKOTSOTN*)

I am here for you,
Always
Ton Ange

*Je vous embrasse doucement du côté du cou*

You really got to me in your office. I guess something was happening to both of us, since you had to leave the room. I can tell that you really enjoy my being near you and it warms my heart to know how much you care for me. It's such a comfort to be near you, especially pressing tightly against your body. It causes my blood to surge… and surge to areas of my body that I'm not prepared for! I think you understand what I'm talking about. That's why I HAD to pull away from you. It happened so fast; both times while holding you. I'm doing my best to keep my feelings under control… (I can see that I'm not the only one having trouble there) - can you tell how much I'm smiling right now? I know what you must be going through.
I'll keep this short and try to write you again later.

You are in my mind and heart,
Always!
Ton Ange

                   By the way:
                   I’m giving you the stone so that you will have something that will be a catalyst for the special
                   relationship we have. I can see a time when we won’t be as fortunate as we are now with our
                   time together. I also know that you don’t need something to connect us. I come to you at all
                   times of the day and night, even with your eyes open, but I’ve put part of myself into the
                   tiger’s eye. Keep it. You will never be without my warm smile, and probing wit. Someday your
                   heart will be lifted just from the sight of it and you will be catapulted back to when you and I
                   were one.

                   Could there be more?
                   There’s always more….

                   *Soft kiss on the side of the neck*

Ton Ange
(SKOTL)
I think you know what this means!

I drove the truck up to the mountains Saturday.
I thought about you all the way! The trip seemed so short. So much went
through my head about you and me; where we've come from and where we're
going.
I gave you a massage all over again! I thought about how different
things may have been if we were aware of our true feelings then as we
are now. I remember how torn I was; how much of a battle it was for me
to be so close to you, yet not able to say what I was feeling for fear
of rejection and possibly loosing the wonderful friendship we had.

Even with my eyes open, I could feel and see your body under my
exploring hands. I re-lived every moment as thought I was experiencing
you all over again through the sense of touch; especially your hands and
feet. I remember wanting desperately to kiss the bottoms of your feet. I
know... it sounds strange... but I thought that your feet might be the
only place I could get away with kissing. ACTUALLY, I wanted to kiss you
all over, but I was so afraid. I must confess, I had dreamed about
having the opportunity to give you a really nice, relaxing massage like
that for a long time, and I was somewhat shocked when you agreed to
allow me to do it. I thought that if I could, you would sense how I felt
about you and I wouldn't have to express it in words.

My hands made love to your soul that night. I hope you were able to
grasp a glimpse of it.

While holding you in the doorway that night, I kept thinking that if I
held you long enough, I'd get the courage to tell you what I was
feeling. As you know, I was just too chicken! I laid there in the next
room wondering why I couldn't do it. I really felt that you had strong
feelings for me too, but I wasn't sure to what degree. I think I told
you that I considered coming into your room several times to talk with
you about it, but every time I would think about what it might possibly
do to our existing relationship.

Well... Saturday, on the way to the mountains, I replayed the whole
evening the way I wanted it to be. I got quite a rush out of it! I
opened the door between our rooms. (You had left it unlocked.) You were
lying on the bed reading, with your back propped up with two pillows
against the headboard of the bed. You didn't look surprised to see me.
You placed your book, face down on your lap, looked me in the eyes and
didn't say a word. I said I wanted to talk. You said, "Sure, what
about?" The smile on your face was so reassuring. I felt as though you
knew what I was going to say. I moved the book from your lap and reached
out my arms for a hug. We embraced. As we did, we slid down until we
were lying on the bed in a warm relaxing embrace. Before I could say
anything, I feel asleep in your arms. I woke up the next morning with
you curled up behind me, holding my hand next to my heart. I felt so at
ease then that it became easy for me to open up and tell you what I was
feeling.

Wow! That would have been so much easier than telling you all that I did
in IHOP!

Enough of that! I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I guess I
missed you so much, I felt like I needed to tell you how much you were
on my mind. Hummm, that was just the beginning.... I'm sure can imagine
the pleasure I enjoyed with you in my fantasies.

Thank you so much for taking me in your office. I really do enjoy you.

(SKAO)

Feb 9 1999
Are you okay. I have to say that I felt as though something was bothering you as we talked today on the phone. Is there something you need to say? I feel as though somehow, I may have said something that changed your outlook on the rest of your day. I hope not!
I truly enjoy being responsible for uplifting you and brightening your day, but the thoughts of being responsible for the opposite makes my heart ache.
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Always,

Your enthusiasm, playful mood and warm smile is very contagious.

I put my arm around you to pull you closer and realize you are nude. You throw your left leg over my thighs and snuggle closer as you look up at me, smiling still, and repeat; "This is where I want to be".

Always,
Ton Ange

Okay, I feel a little better now. Can you tell I miss you? It's going to be hard this weekend, being so close to you without being able to touch you and hug you; but I'll survive.
Take care and I'll see you this afternoon when I bring my daughter. Until then, I love you!

Always,
Ton Ange

Always,
Ton Ange

Hello Mon Ange,

I will miss you the next few weeks. I know I will be okay, but I also know it will be difficult, knowing how much I've grown accustom to hearing your soothing voice almost every day. I dread going through all that I'm going through right now without you here to keep my feelings balanced. You are my angel! I gain strength, comfort, and nourishment from knowing that our lives together have purpose. You give so much of yourself to me and I can't express how very much it means to me. I love you with all my heart.

Forgive me for being so insensitive Sunday. I should have known how hard it is for you to be in love with two men. It was not my intent to hurt you by what I said. I guess I just wanted you to tell me that I am worth what you are going through. It made me feel so wonderful to hear you ask if I was willing to wait for you - for the right time. It touched my heart. I will wait. I know everything will work out for the best. It is our destiny. If we had not been in the situation we are in now, we may never have met. It takes unusual circumstances sometimes to bring two people together. Now that we have found each other, I refuse to let you go.

Don't worry about me seeing someone else and forgetting about you. I have no desire to be involved with anyone at this time - except you. It feels so strange. I have always had such a strong libido; yet, I feel as though I don't need sex. I've never felt like this before. This is not to say that I don't feel sexually excited about you. You know better than that. I can't keep myself from getting excited around you. Controlling myself when I'm with you is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I know you feel the same.

I can't believe I started kissing you. I didn't even think about it. I didn't know I was doing it until I was kissing you. I remember feeling my thigh between your legs. The next thing I knew, I was feeling your passion against my lips. The shock was as though I had been abruptly awaken from an erotic dream. You drive me crazy!

I hope the trip is an easy one for you and doesn't drain you of energy. I know you and hubby need some time together. I'm sure there's much more going on between you two than I know about and I also know that you will give your all to him. I can tell that he's not satisfied about something in his life. I don't think it's you though. Take comfort in knowing I'll be with you, through all that you experience. When you need to be held, my arm will be around you. When you feel the impulse to laugh, listen while I laugh with you. If you feel the need to cry, my shoulder will dry your tears. Every time you smile, you will be smiling at me. Let me be your angel… until we embrace again.

I need you in my life,
Always,
Ton Ange

I would do anything to have just one night with you, to share with you my deepest desires, to make you feel like you have never been touched by a man before, to kiss ever inch of you, feel your sweat on my lips as I kiss your naval, to inhale the aroma of your excitement. Your soft moans of pleasure reassure me that
you enjoy my exploring tongue. Your touch excites me so. I want to feel your fingers caressing every part of me... but I know we have to wait. You know in your soul that I'm totally yours.

Ton Ange

Quelque chose change; on ne comprend pas tout à fait ce changement
mais on sait que l'être aimé en est responsable. On s'écoute
intensément pour boire chaque parole. On aime ses bras où l'on trouve
chaleur et tendresse. Là où naît la sécurité dont on a tant besoin et
une tranquilité d'esprit qui confirme : "Je compte pour quelqu'un.

On se dit aurevoir? Alors on a hâte à la prochaine fois. La complexité
des sentiments sont aussi faciles à expliquer que les dédales de notre
âme. On aime avec tout ce qu'on a, avec tout ce qu'on fait et tout ce
qu'on rêve...Et l'on confie son coeur, fragile souffle de notre vie,
et notre plus grande joie est d'entrelacer nos rêves, nos espoirs et
nos pensées.
 

Le coeur, ah oui le coeur...Ce muscle thoraxique, creux et ovoïde,
comme il en voit de toutes les couleurs.Dès les premières pulsations
qui annoncent à l'univers, qu'un être désormais vit, et jusqu'au tout
dernier soubresaut, hôte de l'âme qu'il délivre, il sera soit, roi et
maître du Royaumes des Émotions, ou bien, esclave de Dame Raison.
Jardin infini, devenu fou par les efluves de l'Amour, maison
temporaire du Bonheur et pourvoyeur de tendresse, il suffit d'une joie
pour le faire bondir et d'un froid soudain pour le faire gémir.

I called my office as soon as I was within range, which was in Monroe. To hear your voice!  I had to pull off the road. The tears of joy were so thick I couldn't see to drive. I especially loved the call from the airport. Your voice was so full of energy and excitement. I've never heard you call me "Sweetheart" before; I like the sound of it. I play it several times a day and respond to it with a really big smile. It was the most helpful thing you could have done for me. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve had a lot of time to think while you’ve been gone. Hours and hours while alone at the beach watching the waves pound the surf and while driving back home. I’ve thought over and over about the direction that our relationship should be moving. I cried several times driving back from the beach on Saturday when I thought about all that I've been doing to create conflict within you. It’s not fair to you or your marriage to have me pulling at your heartstrings the way I have been, even though we both have agreed to allow it.
Looking back, I can see that I’ve been doing much to have you to want me more and more. I hoped to win your heart, but… I didn’t stop there. I kept pulling and pulling, trying to win you totally over to me. It’s not right. I know that now, I guess I knew it then, somewhere deep in my consciousness; but I was so caught up in you and my desire to have you love me, I kept on pulling.

My heart is in my throat as I sit in my little room here at my sister's house, writing on a piece of paper. Everything I've ever loved and worked to gain seems so distant and out of my reach; yes, even you, at this time. I have faith that it's only temporary. Things aren't the same between Candace and me. I'm afraid she thinks I left her and her mother. I choke back the tears every time I allow myself to think of the possibility of loosing her respect and trust. That too, I pray will be temporary.

Wow! That came to the surface quickly. I had to stop writing for a few minutes to regain my composure. As I began to evaluate the relationship you and have and where it's going, my mind jumped to my current situation with Candace and all that I don't get to share with her. The sadness swept over me like an emotional wave. But she's strong and I'm persistent, as you know, so all will be well someday.

Writing this letter is so painful.

Thursday night opened my eyes to the many flaws in my behavior toward you. You have heard it said, "Love is blind". Well, my love for you had blinded me from much of what I have been doing to create unnecessary stress in your life. You have a responsibility to the community and your patients to be 100%. You are committed to your marriage. I feel as though I'm interfering with all that.

What are the options available for us?

I don't have to tell you how much meeting you has changed my life. You inspire me everyday to be more than I was before. I cherish that. During the past two years I've been working to become more in touch with my feelings. The friendship I've enjoyed sharing with you has helped me to grow it that direction more than anything else in my life. It's so easy to speak with you from my heart. I'm really not used to doing that.  I'm still learning, and this letter is a testimonial to my effort. We both talk about being neutral. Have we been? I don't think I have been. We both agree we can't keep going like we have been. I have been so totally absorbed in you, feeling as though I have forced myself on you through my words and my deeds, most of which has been inappropriate, considering our circumstances. I've shared my innermost desires and feelings with you, knowing that to do so may jeopardize what we have, or that it may have a less than desirable impact on your marriage. My desire to have you totally in my life has tempted me to pursue you as though you were available to me. You are not. I should face reality and act more accordingly, even though my hopes and dreams are that I may have the opportunity in the near future to pursue you as a lover, friend and partner for life.
I think that's why I've been pulling and tugging at your heart the way I do. Deep down inside, I want to win you over. I've ignored the cost to you. It's not right to have you in the middle like this, being pulled from both directions. Like a rope in a tug-of-war contest -- there's a lot of stress put on the rope. It could break. It's not healthy and I can't allow you to suffer needlessly, nor to compromise your promises, beliefs and morals because of my selfish desire to have you more deeply involved in my life. My love for you will not allow me to continue doing that which is not for your highest good, or which tempts you to be less than truthful to yourself.

Neither of us has allowed ourselves to face the inevitable truth of our sometimes-painful situation. We have ignored the consequences of what might happen if our affair of the hearts were to be discovered prematurely.
This you and be sure of:

•  I love you with every part of my being.
• Nothing will change me desire for you.
•  I want to share my thoughts, my heart, and my life with you.
•  It is a true love that I feel only comes along once in a lifetime!

Please understand the direction I choose to take. There are things I have complete control over and others that must wait for the hand of destiny. I really should take control of my life before circumstances and events take control of me. We have been brought together for a powerful reason. I feel that it's up to us now to respond before we do the wrong thing and our love for each other becomes apparent to others. It's getting much more difficult for my feelings for you to go unnoticed.

The doors of destiny have been opened. Do we dare to step over the threshold into the darkness of the unknown? Do we continue traveling down the same hallway until the next doors of opportunity presents themselves? Do we stand at the opened door and wait for something to happen that will force us to be motivated to take the appropriate steps (whatever that is)? I feel as though I've been stepping in and out of the door, teasing you to come with me for a long time. I am concerned now that it's the wrong thing to do. But I can't help myself.

Where do we go from here? What do we do? I can only speak for myself.
I love you with as much energy, passion and warmth as ever. I am a friend you can count on to be there for you, always. I treat you with the respect you deserve. I will share my dreams with you. We WILL have fun. I support you in your goals and activities. I trust your judgment. Our conversations will be meaningful and thought provoking. I admire you for where you have come and where you want to be.
I need you in my life.
I am determined to remain in your life.
But… Yes, there's a but. I really need to limit my inappropriate behavior. I don't want you to feel compelled to be less than honest with yourself and the ones you love. No longer should you have to compromise yourself and what you believe in because of my behavior. Nothing will change the way I feel about you. You are mon ange, mon amour, mon compagnon d'âme. I love you without self-placed conditions. I pray that one day, if circumstances change, there will be no conditions.

A quote from the Urantia Book:
Mon frère, le bien et le mal sont simplement des mots qui symbolisent les niveaux relatifs où l'homme comprend l'univers observable. Si l'on est éthiquement paresseux et socialement indifférent, on peut prendre pour critère du bien les usages sociaux courants. Si l'on est spirituellement indolent et moralement stagnant, on peut prendre pour critère du bien les pratiques et traditions religieuses des contemporains. Mais l'âme qui survit au temps et émerge dans l'éternité, doit faire un choix vivant et personnel entre le bien et le mal, tels qu'ils sont déterminés par les vraies valeurs des critères spirituels établis par l'esprit divin que le Père qui est aux cieux a envoyé habiter le coeur de l'homme. Cet esprit intérieur est le critère de la survie de la personnalité.
La bonté, de même que la vérité, est toujours relative et contraste infailliblement avec le mal. C'est la perception de ces qualités de bonté et de vérité qui permet aux âmes évoluantes des hommes de prendre ces décisions personnelles de choix essentielles à la survie éternelle.
La personne spirituellement aveugle qui suit logiquement les prescriptions scientifiques, les usages sociaux et les dogmes religieux se trouve en grand danger de sacrifier son indépendance morale et de perdre sa liberté spirituelle. Une telle âme est destinée à devenir un perroquet intellectuel, un automate social et l'esclave de l'autorité religieuse.
La bonté grandit toujours vers des niveaux supérieurs où se trouve accrue la liberté de s'épanouir moralement et d'atteindre la personnalité spirituelle — la découverte de l'Ajusteur intérieur et l'identification avec lui. Une expérience est bonne quand elle élève l'appréciation de la beauté, accroit la volonté morale, rehausse le discernement de la vérité, développe l'aptitude à aimer et à servir ses semblables, exalte les idéaux spirituels et unifie les suprêmes mobiles humains du temps avec les plans éternels de l'Ajusteur intérieur. Tout cela conduit directement au désir accru de faire la volonté du Père, ce qui entretient la passion divine de trouver Dieu et de devenir davantage semblable à lui.

Therefor, what I experience with you is "good".

Be yourself. I know deep inside, you have a clear vision of what is most important to your spiritual growth. Don't compromise your values and beliefs -- not for me or anyone else. Allow the Spirit Of Truth to guide you. I am here for you,

Please understand that I write this in respect for you. I am open to discuss this with you and hear your feelings about what path we should take that would be appropriate for you. I love you more than there are stars in the heavens, deeper than the depth of your capacity to dream, longer than the existence of time, but I want to do what is right for you. Please help me help you to be what you want to be, where you want to be. I want more than anything for you to be confident that we are doing the right thing. Guidez-moi. Tenez-moi. Aimez-moi. Je suis a toi.

Always.

Ton Ange

Addition:
After reading this you can understand why I didn't seem myself on Sunday. I didn't mean to upset you and I know that you didn't mean to get upset either. The last thing we talked about on Thursday was that we were going to have to make some changes. I didn't know how to react except to remain somewhat neutral, especially since we were in a public place. I had hoped we would have been able to meet privately. I know all of that is in the past and I'm not bringing it up to revisit it, only to provide a more complete explanation of my actions. I will tell you that it was almost impossible for me not to react to your presence in a way that was true to my hearts desire.
- Je t'aime, plus que les mots qui écrivent.

Take my hand now and guide me to the place inside your heart where you desire me to be with you. I am yours!

I have a surprise for you when you return!

I’ve written the list you asked for. I actually started it while I was at the beach. I’ll email it to you tomorrow, Friday. I’ve also written a rather lengthy letter about my plans for our future, but I want to give it to you in person. I hope you don’t mind.

I hope the list you have compiled will help you better understand your relationship with your husband plus, why you have been compelled to want me more involved in your life and why you feel confused about your life’s journey. Before I decided to marry my ex., I made a list. I told her about it several years later and she thought it was the stupidest thing I could have ever done. How unromantic, she thought it was. To her, just my loving her should have been enough. She was really upset about it.

The web page links I sent you about relationships caught my attention, because I could see where she and I were not really all that compatible. From what you know about our marriage, I’m sure you can see that too. It helped me realize that what has happened is really the best thing for me.

I will have my daughter all day Saturday, ... and you are not too busy, give me a ring and I’ll call you back. If not, we can talk later.
It seems as though you’ve been gone a long time. I guess it’s because we parted Thursday with such an uncertainty. I could use a hug from you.

Thank you so, so much for leaving the voice mail, especially from the airport. I can’t remember hearing so much loving energy in your voice. It meant a great deal to me.

I feel like I could type all night, but I guess I’ve left enough for you already. I know it’s so difficult for you to have a chance to sit down and read these emails and when they are so lengthy, it’s even worse.
I look forward to seeing you this weekend, but if things don’t work out, I’ll be by your office on Monday. I’ll have a big hug for you then.

Always,

Some persons are too busy to grow and are therefore in grave danger of spiritual fixation.

The chief inhibitors of growth are prejudice and ignorance.

Growth is not truly indicated by mere products but rather by progress.

Loyal persons are growing persons, and growth is an impressive and inspiring reality. Live loyally today -- grow -- and tomorrow will attend to itself. The quickest way for a tadpole to become a frog is to live loyally each moment as a tadpole.

Growth is also predicated on the discovery of selfhood accompanied by self-criticism -- conscience, for conscience is really the criticism of oneself by one's own value-habits, personal ideals.

Spiritual growth is first an awakening to needs, next a discernment of meanings, and then a discovery of values. The evidence of true spiritual development consists in the exhibition of a human personality motivated by love...

Values can never be static; reality signifies change, growth. Change without growth, expansion of meaning and exaltation of value, is valueless -- is potential evil. The greater the quality of cosmic adaptation, the more of meaning any experience possesses. Values are not conceptual illusions; they are real, but always they depend on the fact of relationships. Values are always both actual and potential -- not what was, but what is and is to be.

Man cannot cause growth, but he can supply favorable conditions. Growth is always unconscious, be it physical, intellectual, or spiritual. Love thus grows; it cannot be created, manufactured, or purchased; it must grow.

Ton Ange

I have thought about what you asked me in the car about what I think about you being in a loving relationship with me. I worry that you are compromising your values and I wonder if that is really good for you. I understand that you justify it to yourself, and I accept that. I do not think badly of you, only that I may be contributing to something we may regret later in life. I don't want anything to cause you to be less loyal to yourself than you would be to me. It breaks my heart to see you in any kind of pain. I'm confident that you know what you are doing and that this is part of what you feel is necessary for your present growth. I'm so happy that you have allowed me to be an important part of that process.

I have thought about returning our relationship to where we were before last December, but I can't do it. I thought I could, but I know now that it's impossible. It would be too painful for both of us. So, lets continue to allow what we share to grow and develop to it's fullest. Each day I think I can't possibly love you more, but then I wake up to find that my heart has expanded and there's more room for you in it and I can't wait to have you fill it.

I love the way you respond to me. You are the perfect woman for me and worth all my efforts to be there for you when you are ready to live your life in the way you have always dreamed -- full of love, happiness and beauty. There is a beauty in the two of us that radiates so brightly that even the angels smile upon us with envy. I fear that our only regret will be that we will look back one day and wonder why we were not brought together sooner in life, or why we wasted so much time being apart. I know our life together will be an inspiration and an example of love to the world, even the universe. You hold a great power in your hands; the power to unite two souls who are destined for great things.

I love you and respect you. My hearts belongs to only you. You will forever remain on a pedestal, high above all others and I dare anyone to attempt to lower you from the position in my life that you deserve.
Please continue giving me more and more of what you know belongs to only me. Fill me with your love and kindness. Wrap me in your loving arms. Kiss my hungry lips. Run your fingers through my hair. Tell me what you desire. Make love to my soul with the sincerity of your eyes. Love me. Lust for me. Take me. I'm yours forever and ever, and
Always,
Ton Ange

It's now Wednesday morning and I can't get you out of my mind this morning. I know I've said to you how much I enjoy you and how lucky I am to have you involved in my life, but I don't feel I can say it often enough. Allowing yourself to open up more to me last night was very special to me. There's so much more of you that has not surfaced yet that I know will help me get through this difficult time in my life where so many things seem to be collapsing around me. It is your love and genuine concern for my total wellbeing that sustains and supports me. I will forever remember how you and only you have provided me with the positive reinforcement that I've needed.

You ask me last night if I had asked for you. I guess I should clarify what I meant when I said that I didn't know that I had asked for you. I was thinking about what you said about how you had asked for me. That you had asked for what I give you, but not specifically asked for me. The difference is that I DID specifically ask for YOU. I was envious of your mate and wished that I could be in his place. Every time we met and talked about our beliefs and values, I thought about how wonderful it would be to have YOU in my life; not just someone like you. I was attracted to something in you the first time my eyes met yours.  I didn't know at the time what it was, but now I know it was my soul telling me that you were meant to be a major part of my life's journey. I know now what a major part you are and how much I need your care and support. I desire to grow with you beside me all my life in the flesh and beyond. My heart feels so free when I'm with you. I feel as though I will live forever when I'm in your arms.
About last night: I really was not sure you would be able to allow yourself to truly open your heart to me when you reached that point where the walls of protection have always kept your heart secure. I can't speak for you, but it was very important to me to feel those walls begin to collapse. I felt a rush of loving energy pour over me as though a dam had burst and my heart was standing in the path of the rushing water that clears away all debris in it's path. It was very cleansing and healing. Oh how often I've wanted to hear your sighs of passion as they part your lips uncontrollably, to feel your hot breath on my neck as your breasts rise and fall to the rhythm of your sensual panting. Vous êtes érotique.

Eventually, I want to take you to a place I've seen inside you where time will stand still and you will experience feelings that have been locked away, waiting to be released by the loving presence your soul mate. You know it's there, waiting for you. That's why you asked for it. That's why the voice keeps telling you to open your heart. You know you are being lead to a sacred place where few people have dared to go. It's scary, but God will not ask of you more than you are capable of. Your next stage of growth will depend on your opening your heart enough to allow me to unlock the door of destiny where love, goodness and beauty will rule in your life. I hold the key but a guardian controls the lock. Though I stand outside the door when the guardian is away, enjoying all that we share, I can't open it. To do so would be an act of escape. We must wait for the time when you are released and free from the shackles of fear and guilt. Even though I long to take you there now, I know that to break you free from the bondage of an aching heart would be an invasion of your free will. I respect your feelings and desires to move forward at a comfortable pace where you feel in control.

I can't believe you had to go to bed alone again last night. I hope you don't mind that I remind you of advice I gave regarding your employees. "There should be consequences attached to behavior." The only problem with doing this in a love relationship is that it places conditions. I know you want your basic needs met without asking or without placing conditions, but it may be necessary to get things moving in the right direction for you to get your relationship where you want it to be. Make sure your expectations are not unrealistic. It may be that he is being himself and that it has nothing to do with anything you are doing or not doing. Also, you could be more direct in your communication of your NEEDS. Tell him you need to be held. Tell him you need him to make love to you. Tell him to come to bed with you for an hour and then he can get back on the computer, after you have fallen asleep. Ask what you need to do to be more desirable to him. Ask what it will take to for him to initiate intimacy or making love. His response will help you understand him more and through understanding, love will grow. Be careful not to compare him with your ideal mate. It will only worsen any friction that may already be between you. You know you will have to accept him as he is and can not change him to be what you want him to be.

You are changing and growing very quickly now. I have been fortunate to witness the enormous growth in you over the past 2 /12 years, despite the unstable environment of having to juggle your energies between your mind and your heart. I admire your ability to do that. Remember; we cannot cause growth, but we can supply favorable conditions. It really the only thing we can do to promote growth. Love grows; it cannot be created, manufactured, or purchased; it must grow.  I know you are doing almost everything in your power to create the conditions for love to grow in your home. Plants require certain conditions for optimal growth; soil types, water, sunlight and nutritional requirements must match the plants needs. Some plants should not be planted together because their conditions for growth are so diverse. It becomes a loosing battle to attempt to put roses and ferns in the same bed. One will grow; one will die. Trying to change the rose to become a fern is unrealistic.

I know I'm saying what you already know. I see that this is what you accepted on your vacation and I'm just adding validation to the facts you have accepted as the truth. This is what happened to me and why I am able now to see that, although I was growing under conditions that were somewhat less than favorable, my partner was dying. It has helped me to realize how important favorable conditions are to growth. One thing is sure, we are either growing or we are dying. Please live. I need you.

Enough of my babbling on and on. I want to mention something to you as food for thought. Would it be possible to plan your trip to France around a workshop there? If so, I will invite myself to attend and travel with you. Tell me what you think.

I miss you already! My heart soars as I daydream about how I felt last night. You guide me to places and sensations within myself that have been dormant for too long. You reinforce that we are destined to be together, sharing unique experiences that will forever remain in my mind as a cherished memory of what love between a man and a woman should be. Whatever it takes to have you as my partner in life, I will do, except that which will cause you unjust pain. I will never let you go. Pull me ever closer. Know that my love for you expands every day. All that I have is yours. Take me. Hold me. Love me. I am with you…

Always,
Ton Ange

I'm happy to hear you are doing better today. The headache came back during lunch today. It may be due to the constant connection I have with your energy, but I don't mind absorbing some of the tension that you feel. Continue to keep a positive attitude about your future. I see great things coming to you soon. As you allow events to unfold there will be many decisions to make. I know you will choose what is for your highest good. Hold your head high. Know that your objectives and motives will be right for where you are now and where you want to be in the future. My love is with you…

Always,

Ton Ange

Evaluate your beliefs relative to your values and life long objectives. You may find that some of them are not truly your own. They have been programmed into your mind by your parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and people who have had a powerful influence on you from childhood on. Realize that if any belief appears to be out of alignment with your values, you can choose to replace it with a new belief that will empower you to be who you really want to be. I don't think you will find much that is out of balance. I know you and love you because your beliefs and values are strong and balanced. You may feel the need to reprioritize your values as you decide what is most important to you.

I am glad I can be with you during your "rebirth". I feel like a proud parent, witnessing the joyous pains of a new life. We both knew that you would have to go through a troubled time as you move toward becoming a whole person full of life, love and happiness. I pray that good judgement and concise action will shorten the labor. I know you will not allow yourself to compromise what you believe in for the happiness of someone who doesn't have your total wellbeing as their major concern. Take refuge in knowing that you will never be alone. I will be there for you to lean on. If decide that moving on is the only way to survive, I will take you to my heart and hold you there until all your wounds are healed and we can move together toward fulfilling our dreams. "Take my hand and walk with me, by my side for eternity." Humm.. sounds like nice words for a great love song!

Until we see each other again, I will be with you…

Always,
Ton Ange

Oh yes, the tournament. My team won FIRST place!

We shot 4 under par. My back is a little sore. It was so cold and windy. I wore shorts and a short-sleeved shirt and about froze! I played quite well. I did sleep weel last night, but woke up at 6:45, just in time to think about you leaving your house for the airport. I sent you some good loving energy and feel back to sleep for a little while and woke back up at 8:15. I was smiling, knowing that you were on the plane and thinking about how much you wish you were with me!

I guess I've caught you up on what been happening here. I'll do my best to send more to you later. Oh, BTW, I carried your photo with me today in my shirt pocket and took it out so I could see you while I was playing golf. Your smile always warms me up. And I really needed it today. I'll check my messages Sunday to see if there's any way to see you. I miss you. Come home soon. I want to taste your soft, warm lips, feel your comforting arms, smell the aroma of your body, see the stars in your eyes and hear your soothing voice whispering in my ear.

I am in love with an Angle. She is my Angel and she protects me from all that is harmful. Fly back to my loving arms so I can give you shelter also. I am yours...

Always,
Ton Ange
Je deviens folle
Je Veux Tout
Quand tu veux
Comme tu veux
Mea Culpa

Wow! I just got off the phone with you. You are so good at elevating my spirits! I can't wait to see you Tuesday. My heart is already racing from the expectations of holding you and kissing you. I need you so much. You totally complete me. I think of you,
Always.
Ton Ange

May 26 1999

Hi my love of my life!
It's just now almost 8:00pm and I'm sitting in my office. I went this afternoon to get my new magnetic bracelet sized at a jeweler, then stopped to get something to eat. I thought I'd stop by here to have a little private time to think about you and send you a note. I still have the headache. I don't think it has anything to do with you; although I do feel as though I'm under some kind of pressure. One would think that now that my EX and I have settled our affairs, I'd be feeling better and more relaxed. It will pass soon.
If you remember when I came back from the beach I felt that we may have to slow down a little. I must say though, I'm glad we didn't. I'm not at all fearful that our being alone together is what needs to change. It's our wholehearted love for one another that I fear will come to the attention of others and bring out into the open how we feel about each other. How do we change that? I don't think I can. I feel that we will have to do our level best to appear less enthusiastic toward one another when we are around others.
I will do my best to spend less time around you and J, so that he won't feel as threatened by our friendship. I can tell that he's getting suspicious and I don't want him to get to the point where he puts his foot down and asks you to stop spending so much time around me. I think it will be best if I can find someone to accompany me when we have outings or get-togethers. It will take some of the attention away from you, but I hope you will understand that I do it for us. It won't be easy for me to do. I have NO idea who would do that for me. I know it will make him feel more comfortable if he thinks I am pursuing a relationship somewhere.
My heart aches as I think of the possibility of loosing any part of you or what we have. It feels so wonderful to be admired and loved for who I am. You make me feel so special. Just knowing that you want to be with me is enough to make my head spin. It's been almost six months now since we began to explore the possibilities of something more than just friendship. It's been the most memorable of my life. I sometimes completely loose myself in thoughts of us being together.
It's so hard for me to keep my hands off you. I want to touch your hand, run my fingers through your lovely hair. HAIR… WOW! You know where my mind just went! * deep breath *
I want to see if we can go over to the house after Golf Saturday and let you pick out some herbs and maybe take a look at the lots for a future home site. That sounds so strange to be saying that, but it also sounds exciting to me too. We'll see how things go. I know we will have enough time, but I'm not sure if it will be okay with J. Actually, Friday after getting the dresses may be a better time. I know no one will be home then.
I'll leave it up to you whether we spend any time together after class tomorrow night. As I've said, it's not what we do when we are together that worries me. Either way, I think we need to be leaving no later than 10:00.

I hope you don't mind that I express what I know we can't do at this time. Forgive me if I offend you, but…
When I close my eyes I keep getting this image of us lying in a passionate embrace. You're breathing so deeply I can feel the heat from your breath against my neck. My fingers slowly trace your panty line against your inner thigh. Your arms are wrapped tightly around me, pulling me closer and closer against your bare breasts. I feel your hardened nipples penetrating my flesh and it takes my breath away to know how much our love has grown. My tongue circles your ear lobe as chills cover your body like thousands of tiny pins resting on the surface of your inflamed skin. Your soft moans reassure me that you are open to my love and I move to kiss you lower on the soft, sensitive spot on the front of your throat. I love to kiss you there because you get so much pleasure from it. Your hands grip my scalp as your delicate fingers slide through my hair, guiding my kisses toward your heart. I feel the silky nakedness of your breast against my cheek and I become more aroused than ever. My lips instinctively find your left nipple. Your thighs open a little as you let out an erotic sigh of pleasure.
As my hand inches it's way under the waistband of your panties I feel the thick hair of your pubic mound against the tips of my fingers and my heart pounds with the anticipation of their warm, wet, destination. With your nipple trapped between my tongue and teeth, I feel like a kitten at it's mother's breast. What a comfort it is to know you are totally mine at that moment. Without warning your pelvis thrusts against my hand and my palm cups your wetness. The heat is incredible; the passion so intense I can hardly contain myself from ripping your panties off and taking you, but I don't because I want more of you. I want to kiss you all over, to make love to every inch of you, to take you to that place where you have only been in your dreams. It's real! It's waiting for us. We will go there and return often. Forever and…

The rest of my Fantasy
Always,
Ton Ange.

I wish so much for you to be happy at home while you are with J. It hurts me to know that you want to be yourself AND be happy too, yet you aren't free from stress and fear. I'm glad to hear that you are letting go of much of the fear of saying what you need to say to J. To remain positive will not be easy, but I know you can do it. You have the proper intent and an inspiring motive to do so. Continue being yourself and everything you want in life will come to you.

Don't be afraid to live the life that you deserve. You chose the path you are on now for a reason, much like choosing a school of higher learning. But remember, you are free to choose a different one if the school has provided you with all you need there, or if it is not providing what feel you need for your future. I really think that the partnership you have now has been much more for what J could learn from you than what you were to gain from the relationship. Not that you haven't learned much, you have! But I don't know if you have considered the possibility that his life has been expanded much more from what you have brought to the relationship. It may not be that you have taken different paths now, but that the journey is coming to an end.

I look at all that he has been exposed to and how the doors of opportunity have been opened time and time again for him to choose and learn. What I'm seeing now is that he seems to have chosen not to go any farther down the path where you want to go. What you said to me today about not bringing up topics about energy to him, about him, brought this to my attention. I've been focusing all my energy, to help stabilize your marriage, on you and the changes you have been making, but I really feel now that the changes in your relationship are influenced more by his decisions than yours. Like you have said, there's really nothing more you can do at this point but to be yourself. I think he IS being himself too. He's tried to make changes that would be more in line with your beliefs, but it's just not him and I feel that he is deciding that he needs to go back to where he feels more comfortable. He knows you won't follow him where he feels drawn to go and he fears he can't go with you where he's seen you are going. The past two years of your focus on energy and self improvement has brought to his attention how much your philosophy of life means to you. I think he feels as though it's more important to you than he is. He's feeling neglected. This seems to me to be the source of his tension. One part of him wants you to go and grow, but another part wants you to stay and be devoted to him. That's why he wants you to go to class, but then complains sometimes when you do.
It's the same scenario that G and I went through. Remember how it all came to a head when she felt that my "energy" friends were more important to me that she was?

I know I'm saying too much and I'm giving advice when you haven't asked for it, but I feel compelled to present you with a different view point as to why there is tension between you two. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. I think for him to be honest and open to you about how he feels would be to tell you that he just can not continue to be less than the most important thing in your life. He wants to say it, but he can't say it; not yet. But I fear that when he does, it's going to be the supreme test of your heart. Today you back off from A. and me for a short time as a token of your devotion to him. What will the future bring when the sword comes down to sever the ties between us? You feel it coming as well as I do. We can continue walking on eggshells to try to lessen the tension, but I believe the tension and fear will continue to build in him until he explodes. I can see this in the future and I also see that you will be fine too. You will remain calm and respond with your heart. There will be no fear in you and a great weight will be lifted from you.

I have faith in you. I know you will not allow yourself to be injured or destroyed. I won't allow it either! You are feeling so strong now. There is new strength emerging from deep within you telling you to fear not, for love conquers all. Our love will sustain us through this and more. You are never alone and will always have me to lean on when you feel tired or weary. You were brought to me and I accepted you. You are mine and I am yours, forever and ever and…

Always!
Ton Ange

I wish I could write more…. There's so much more I want to say to you, but it's 9:30 now and I'm at my computer at work. I need to get home, if you can call it that. I've added my erotic fantasy to the next email. I hope you will have the time to read it slowly and enjoy every feeling I have for you.

It's getting more difficult each day to be away from you. I want to rush into your arms each time we meet and never let go. You are in my thoughts all day, everyday. I see your face in everything I do. Sunday night I went outside and sat on the grass and gazed at the full moon, wishing you were there with me so we could enjoy the wonder of it all together. I feel so impatient sometimes that I get angry that it will be so long before we can respond to the desires we feel inside. It feels like God is playing a cruel joke on us; bringing us together, knowing we would fall in love.

I will survive this test! We will live our lives full of joy and happiness together. That much is very clear to me. I am yours alone! I hope I will be able to contain my joy when you come to me with open arms to tell me that you are now mine forever. There's so much I want us to do. I want you as my partner in life, sharing everything. Help me, my love. Help me to be the kind of man you will always respect and admire. Give to me your tender heart. I will care for it as though it were my own. I need you more and more every day.

I fully understand that you give to me now everything you can and more. I can feel your aching heart. You're beginning to feel like a caged animal. Have patients my love. Your freedom is not far away. Love endures all things.

I just got a phone call from the love of my life! She excites me so much I can hardly contain myself from shouting to the world how much I love her.

I can't wait until I can introduce you to my family and friends; not as my doctor and/or friend, but as the woman who holds my heart in the palm of her hands. I anguish to tell people that I love you. Do you have any idea how happy that would make me? But I don't think I would have to say much to most people. All they will have to do is see us together, holding hands and they will know from the smiles on our faces!

Take care of yourself, mon ange. Tomorrow I will fly to you and take care of you during my visit to see you. I will bring you something to help. Cuddle next to me tonight when you sleep. Place your left hand over my heart and allow me to comfort and care for you. Imagine the aroma of my body next to yours as you softly kiss the back of my neck. Feel the warmth of my skin against yours. Listen to the rhythm of my heart and know that I am with you.

Until our next embrace, I love you,

Always!

Ton Ange